Leonard Cohen/Anam Thubten
saw this in the documentary I’m Your Man a few months ago and it has been floating near my head every day since. walking away or even loosening is such a simple and revolutionary concept. let go. let go to fall backward off the ladder you cling to; quickest path to thing running parallel to the thing you say you need. but what is it anyway and who are you?
Also, been reading No Self, No Problem by Anam Thubten (which is so so good) and encountered the below on p 93:
january coastal weekend
near manzanita, ore. firepit in side yard, view of water from one angle. returned to cloud and leaf and hiked up neakahnie mountain, stood at the water for nearly an hour saturday, watching the undulations and looking to the mountain where we sat a set of hours previous. ribboned throughout was some internal negotiating between striving and stopping; snow on 26 on the way home. we saw a group of people standing at the edge and then a stream of emergency lights and sirens. a woman sped off the road flipping her truck, saved from tumbling down a 75 ft ravine and likely oblivion by a well-placed tree
mid month marker
what a year thus far. subtraction and reduction the aim. or put another way a complete, exhaustive overhaul of previous stories. to birds eye they are clouds and wisps to fly through. this then is a mere marker. archive and delete. a storm and a settling. here comes the storm.
2020 in 9 photos
park blocks
rockaway beach
wildwood recreation area
tualitin nature reserve
sauvie island
school
SE 45th
tree
lights
morning december
Year in Review
While mostly a bummer year, for the reasons everyone is aware of, there were openings. After a several months long spiral downward which began after say mid-March I was able to stop skidding for a split second and take a personal survey. Was able to stop plummeting is a great achievement in any scenario. Other highlights:
produced and directed first half of Sister/Brother - after a long spell between features I was able to finally summon the internal fortitude and a meager amount of capital to get my 2nd feature underway. The 2nd half of the shoot was disrupted by pandemic and presently tbd.
wrote/shot/edited new webseries, working title Man of La Mansion. 8 episodes about a well to do housebound suburban man who makes the grave error in turning to screenwriting to be the corrective to his mid-life crisis. About to send to festivals. More on this to come.
wrote second season of Microaggressions. Used the same premise, several individuals in a municipal government circling around a shared event, but different from season one. presently seeking funding.
finally cut a reel together. here it is:
4. finished script for short film The Refrigerator, about a salesman carrying on a relationship through texting with his sentient modern icebox. will try to make it this year.
5. started new feature screenplay. can’t give any details b/c it’s still cooking. written with some flexibility to either be a big budget spec that I can sell to studios and let some hot shot direct (note: how/why does this fantasy persist?) or that I can make myself with an austere budget (the more probable of the two).
6. started new sci-fi project screenplay, might be feature or series. currently following to see where it goes. can’t say more than that yet. but I like it a lot so far.
7. worked on a couple stop motion projects with the kids this year. Here’s one: The Orb, episode 1
8. personal highlights: 15 year anniversary of transsphenoidal surgery, craniotomy, proton beam radiation, living in a hotel in Boston for 2 months, 20 year wedding anniversary, started running again, honing focus, attempting to be more thorough with photography and image-making, attempting to tourniquet squeeze myself away from social media. And so forth.
9. wrote and recorded album, Rivers of Blood, under my alias Captain Chili.
for 2021, I remain optimistic about the future and about humanity (note: not really, but that’s a better thing to say out loud). And I made a deal with myself to stop being so negative about everything all the time. TBD.
the fall 2020
tualitin nature preserve
Oh my goodness, what a long time between posts. The last 6 months have been interminable and challenging on a variety of fronts. For much of them I was in a deep hole of darkness, seemingly stripped of purpose and aim, although even typing it out like that gives it a shape and form which it didn’t have. A nebulous mist of decay, darkness, and worst-case scenario-ing is the most rosy way I can put it. Creatively, nothing was happening. I could barely summon the stamina to sit through a movie much less think about making one. I said out loud, more than once, “I’ll never direct anything again”, not as a woe-is-me lament but as a declarative statement of fact. It’s only here on the other side of it (hopefully!) that I can see how deep this thing had claws in me.
Many factors were at play in installing me in the hole: pandemic, telecommuting, homeschooling, mask anxiety, social anxiety, racially-based horrific events, it being the 15 year anniversary of my brain tumor surgeries and proton beam radiation treatment, me needing to summon the will and money to shoot the second half of Sister/Brother, my birthday and so on and so forth. It was everything and nothing all at once.
wildfire smoke sky
Things that helped slowly bring me back to the land of the living (and note, none were instant curatives, only a looooong cumulative build): running, playing guitar, watching a particular film and realizing I could shoot outstanding long driving scenes non-sync and use wild tracks from one over another, 20th anniversary with MM, trips to the Tualatin Nature Preserve, camping in Florence OR, trips to Wildwood recreation area and Sauvie Island, watching The Bureau, and in no small part reading Greenwood by Michael Christie, which I picked up on a whim. But again, the doing of all these felt like trudging through tar. It’s only looking backward that I can assign healing properties to any of these.
I’ve been out of the hole for about a month and felt like the spark was relit, like walking across a desert at midnight under a starless sky and coming upon a tiny flashlight that can illuminate your steps until you can ascend and look at the valley below from a higher vantage. (sorry for the subpar metaphors, not sure what’s going on today lol). And once that happened I was able to be pulled back toward filmic work and thought: started a new spec feature screenplay, took photographs for a new webseries project, finished a short script, wrote season 2 of MICROAGGRESSIONS, cut a directing reel, and charted a course forward for Sister/Brother. Each of these small steps felt all the more triumphant b/c of the darkness that preceded it. Both the thing itself and the echo back from the canyon wall, a call and response in oblivion.
at jesse honeyman state park
home
well, I was forced to delay phase 2 of Sister/Brother due to global pandemic. not ideal scenario but then neither would be endangering cast/crew and anyone they are in contact with. been at home, telecommuting to day job, project planning, watching movies w/ the kids, writing songs, teaching the kids screenwriting and filmmaking, cleaning the house, eating a lot of beans. guessing in about 10 days the shit will hit the fan and none of this will be cute. let’s all stay calm and live.
read: uncanny valley by anna wiener (real good), the lifecycle of software objects by ted chiang (enjoyed but disturbed), dead man’s mistress by david housewright (grabbed at random at library before they closed down so don’t judge too harshly), sing unburied sing by jesmyn ward (this profoundly messed me up. still feel cored)
on deck: the night swimmer by pete rock, transit rachel cusk
seen w/ kids: big hero 6, timmy failure, the parent trap (1998). ratatouille, escape to witch mountain (yes we got disney plus okay?),
seen w/ mm: seasons 1-5 of Bosch (actually good), beef house, dave (the show), Fargo season 1
seen solo: cya, mandalorian
notable sidebar: have watched no criterion/cinema save adaptation, which i like but don’t love and a rewatch of code unknown, which remains a+
songs: I used to take this seriously in college but not so much anymore. diminished time and attention = a chord progression + random thoughts + garage band + a little free time. songs here
etc: trying to run every other day, trying to maintain mindfulness practice, trying to homeschool kids, ping pong (thanks to my folks for the table!) yard work, cleaned out garage, listing multiple personal/household projects and hoping that just listing will take the place of needing to undertake, anxiety mgmt, applied for RACC grant, cut a trailer for Sister/Brother from everything we shot in phase 1, trying to walk margin b/t worrying too much and being too casual. Do you struggle here too? send me an email and let me know how you are. I miss you: northernflickerfilms@gmail.com
8 year old
6 year old
2020 anthem
Once obstacles are identified and removed there is real work to do. Now summon your long dormant/discarded iterations and watch them rise phoenix-like as they gather, united in purpose. And if each resurrection comes paired with its negative mirror - and each will - then the mirrors have to shatter. Let them shatter and don’t look back: Fuck that voice in your head. Fuck that film festival. Fuck that grant board. Fuck that person who didn’t write you back. Fuck that rejection letter. Fuck that person you supported who didn’t return the support. Fuck the idea you keep promoting internally that you can’t do this. Expel this poisonous fog and don’t look back. The work is the only thing. It exists despite your fear, your self-doubt, your intermittent anxieties. The work is the only thing and the rest is meaningless, ephemeral empty noise. Do the work. Do the work. Do the work and don’t look back.
2019 in 10 pictures
***
1. arch cape, oregon April 2019. celebration for my parents 50th anniversary. my sis surprised them and rented out a house - 2 doors down from where we were all staying - where a chef, sommelier, and pastry chef awaited them (and incidentally where I made The Black Sea 7 years ago). This pic is from that house.
2. yosemite np, july 2019. no words
3. brunch, august 2019. as incentive for crowdfunding campaign for my next feature film, I was able to have my friend Heather E of 30 + years come out for a brunch with notable Portland writers: Lidia Yuknavitch, Margaret Malone, Cheryl Strayed, Rene Denfeld. Chef Rachel Arenas did the cooking. It was so joyous to just be present for the conversations that ensued.
4. humboldt co may 2019. returned for the 2nd consecutive yr to run the avenue of the giants half-marathon. (however got sick and did the 10K instead) it.is always a hall of mirrors returning here, past and present intersecting with subfloors and trapdoors of my aspirations, prior relationships, hopes and dreams, etc. It was on this trip that our co-host S and M learned that despite knowing one another for many years that they both went to high school together briefly.
5. minneapolis june 2019. my maternal aunts and uncles, 8 total, assembled for my uncle Michael’s 80th. there were lots of remembrances and musings on space/time and familial joy and an abundance of board games.
6. sequoia np, august 2019. we watched the stars
7. maui, december 2019 many lessons and joys here, primary among them the simple/complicated act of turning our phones off entirely for 6 days.
8. southern california october 2019 service for my father-in-law, who lived to 93 and who was always kind, warm and usually funny. There is a low dull ache in the space he used to inhabit but I’ve been trying to fill it with the joy his memory provides.
9. central CA july 2019. margaret malone had a hell of a year. lots of professional inroads (including but not limited to quitting her day job, teaching writing full time and approaching the finish line (!) on a couple projects) and the exact inverse sensation on the personal front (including but not limited to shattering her arm on the ice in wichita KS moments prior to driving to the airport, running point on some omfg plumbing fiascos at home and the gut punch of profound loss). I am biased but know this: if you are fortunate enough to intersect with her in this lifetime be it through her writing or in the flesh you will be all the better for it.
10. nyc october 2019 went to support my webseries MICROAGGRESSIONS, which played at nyc webfest. this was an epic trip on professional and personal corridors, intersecting w/ my high school days, my film school days, my next feature film, and beyond. I cannot be more explicit at present but suffice to say that this trip was a giant rock thrown into a quiet pond and months later there are still ripples undulating outward that do not appear to be slowing down.
persistence
F wanted to climb a bigger wall. After conquering everything in the kids’ area she and I walked into the main area with N, her brother, and eventually found a straight-forward enough option, albeit about 10 feet straight up. N busied himself on a nearby structure so I stayed with F as she tried the wall and struggled. Up close it was trickier than it looked from far away and a more sophisticated enterprise than what she had attempted previously. She tried again and couldn’t do it. Then again. As a driven 5 year old, her emotions came into play with each passing attempt, frustration rising. She watched a boy about her size do it and her resolve came back. She tried again and didn’t make it, getting no further than before, only about 1/3 of the way up. The successive failures were starting to weigh on her so the three of us went back to the kids’ area. I watched them both do the kid walls again for awhile.
Eventually it was time to leave - we had lunch and a movie to get to later - but N wanted to go back to main area for one last wall. F agreed to come with me to watch him, but she was slightly unsettled about returning to the room, feeling an internal pressure to try the wall again. I explained that she didn’t have to. But moments later I stood with her, watching as she made several new attempts but each time got stuck about 1/3 of the way up, running out of handholds and lacking the wingspan to reach the spots she needed to ascend, and needing me to help her down again. She was extremely frustrated . “We can just go you know” I said. “You don’t need to do this.” Witnessing her continued discontent part of me really hoped she would just throw in the towel. But she shook her head, determined to continue. And the other part of me said “Okay”.
She sat with me on the floor, looking up at the heretofore unscalable surface. Looking from this perspective we were able to isolate the hand and foot moves she’d need to make, an ascending row of 4 small pink hand holds on her right side and some bigger ones on her left. After a few minutes, she wanted to try again. With a mix of reluctance and resolve, she put her hand on the first handhold and shakily pulled herself to the next. I was behind her, bracing her back again on the way up, but this time was different: She moved with a certainty, the path seemingly illuminating itself in front of her. Her confidence manifested as she ascended, each passing moment solidifying the empirical knowledge that she could do it. Suddenly, she was near the top. I worried for a second because she was out of my control and a slip - or worse frozen panic - would not be good. But F had already crossed the threshold; already neutralized the thing that had dogged her. She pulled herself over the top without ceremony and walked down the stairs to exit at the other end. I felt a profound swell of parental pride having watched the whole process unfold. I gave her a hug and a high five and said “Let’s go have lunch”. She looked at me and said. “No, I’m going again” with complete lack of fear and a confidence that belied everything it took to get her to this spot. It was as if she was now a different person, having defeated the thing that seemed impossible moments prior. She climbed the wall several more times entirely on her own, no need for an adult to brace or stand near.
Later she followed N to an adjacent wall, clearly designed for more experienced climbers, and scaled it along side him with no hesitation. They were both at the top now and I was at the bottom looking up at them.
N leaned over the edge and called down for me to come up. I felt a stir of panic in my belly knowing what was coming.
“I’ll go to the stairs and meet you” I said.
“No, climb up!” he said in his most persistent 8 year old register.
“I’ll go up the staircase and meet you at the top” I said.
“No, climb up!” he said.
“No way” I replied. I’m not climbing up that thing. We’re just here for the kids to get some exercise and to kill time before lunch and Frozen II - we’re not here for me.
“Come on, climb up”
“No”
“Dad, do it!”
No.
“Dad, come on”
No way.
“Dad, come on!”
Just then F leaned over and waved at me to come up. Their two heads were now looking down at me, urging me to do what they had just done.
With a mix of reluctance and resolve, I put my hand on the first handhold and shakily pulled myself to the next and - F’s strength and confidence bracing me at each moment - pulled myself up.
“Okay” I said.
november motion
path
71 days until we shoot and I can feel glacial, subterranean things moving around to make space for other things. was home sick monday and cleaned my office, which sounds like the most anodyne non-filmic undertaking possible but in fact it was the most directly related activity to making Sister/Brother that I’ve done of late (minus doing 2 full schedules and script breakdowns and rewriting screenplay that is). Making space by subtracting everything that isn’t necessary. (This has external and internal components of course.) There has been such liberation in stepping into the limitations of this project b/c it means I am turning off the aspirational (read: whining) interior part of me, which doesn’t take action b/c it’s always waiting, reliant on outside forces. This instead is action by virtue of ownership. I don’t have the luxury of aspiration and so certain doors click shut with regard to casting, locations, shooting ratios and so forth. This is the hand you’re dealt, move forward. More to come.
Beguile Us in the Way You Know
man down
On the plane out I watched a movie that everyone said was amazing but they were wrong. In NYC, a place I hadn’t been in since the late 90s - when M and I both worked for Barbara T, there for for staged reading of a project she was putting together based on a book - when I was in film school, still full of hope/possibility and a sort of pulsing and radiant naive ambition about making it in filmmaking. Walking around NY now and remembering that trip from 20 years or so prior, dull translucent memories pinballed with loud thuds and I found my way to the home of one of my oldest friends from Chamblee HS (Atlanta GA) and his family. We stayed up late across a couple nights talking about dumb things we did then and who’s dead now and how our parents are managing these days. I walked through Central Park and saw the John Lennon memorial and the nearby Dakota which brought me back to Madison Elementary (Manitowoc WI) on Dec 8, 1980 when I was 8, as old as my son is now. I went to the Rubin Museum and quietly made my way through multiple iterations of removers of obstacles. I got to screen 2 episodes of Microaggressions at a film festival, which was mostly rewarding but which also came bundled with an admixture of social anxiety and constant self-evaluation, mostly of the caustic and corrosive variety. One thing was/is clear: the dominant paradigm/model of making cinema that I was schooled in - and that I aspired to - is no longer respected, relevant, or real. And so began a slow tug at a fraying thread that stretched across the entire month: why are you trying so hard? On the plane home, I watched a movie everyone said was horrible but they were wrong.
***
The next weekend in Southern California - a place which activates the film school and beyond corridor in me, ambition and its slow curdling - for my father-in-law’s memorial service. He was a wonderful human being, intelligent, kind, hilarious. He died in late July at 93, just as we were headed to Yosemite, our son by coincidence wearing a Vogelsang T-shirt that came from him. The service was small and beautiful. An eternity of striving and joy and ache and suddenly there’s your artifacts on a table and impromptu rememberings from a small roomful of people. A decade earlier we met him in AZ for Thanksgiving at his sister’s house. The light was orange and golden on the cacti and we buried part of ourselves on Thumb Butte, not knowing what lay ahead (because who can?). At the service his sister, the last remaining of 4 siblings, called herself the last performer on the stage at the end of the play. Going home from LA we had layover and had to kill time and I got on social media and watched emotions rise and realized I feel at my best when I’m not on social media but since there are tendrils of striving and filmmaking and blunted but potent ambitions gnarled here not being on it has never seemed possible. What if you stopped? a voice shouted.
***
Some time later in the month in my office at dawn, still black outside, putting together shooting schedule for Sister/Brother, revising script to the constraints of no budget, the lead character struggling with the death of her ambitions but finding new way forward. Realizations made less of cymbal clashing and more of accumulated moments, of gentle questions that aim to remove obstacles: what if you didn’t drink so much? what if you ran more? what if you were kinder to yourself? This character is me and not me at once.
Near the end of the month, the royalties from Amazon for the last several months of Microaggressions and The Black Sea - not my only works but my two best and most recent, both involving years of sweat, doubt, triumph, effort - arrived in my bank account: five dollars and five cents. Less than a pumpkin spice latte but more than I would have earned if I didn’t do the work. What does one do with this information?
***
Halloween night I stayed home to hand out candy while M took the kids around. I had been sick the previous week and only just now started to envision feeling whole again. The knocks started strong but tapered off. I was in costume at first, still not quite myself, but when the inevitable last knock came it was just me who answered.
Black Hayagriva at the Rubin
NYC Webfest 2019
Columbus Circle Station
Had a glorious time at the NYC Webfest this weekend. In addition to the sheer joy of being in New York City and the flattering hum of MICROAGRESSIONS winning an award (Best Achievement in Sound for Dicky Dahl!) the festival was in a great location (Stonestreet Studios), hosted a couple insightful panels (though I only made it to 2 of them), and most especially, screened lots of great stuff. Also, they screened 2 episodes of MICROAGGRESSIONS, where most series only got to screen one so I am grateful for that. Of the 13 screening blocks I attended 11. (With apologies to the filmmakers in Block 10 and Block 11) here are some of the best things I saw:
Countdown - they showed 2 episodes of this. Different real time scenarios with a ticking clock. The first (Hitched) was amusing and the second (Overslept) was kind of moving in an unfortunate manner.
Scribbles - this really grew on me. engaging and inventive look at an illustrator’s creative process and possible breaks with reality.
Division Street - well made piece about a displaced young girl going to stay with her grandmother.
All Hail Beth about an office lackey who seemingly enters a parallel world where she is suddenly revered. (One of two pieces by creator Misha Calvert). The last shot of the first episode is very impressive.
Step Into My Office scenarios where women are in the power position and men left to squirm and be baffled at obvious and demonstrable sexism. very effective. (2nd piece by Misha Calvert, who sidebar, I really came to appreciate. At a panel she sat at about writing and digital creation when the conversation shifted to the needs of the filmmaker/creator to incorporate marketing awareness at the inception of their projects, she pushed back and called bullshit, saying something to the order of ‘fuck that, the artist does whatever they need to do’ and my interior voice was going ‘yes yes yes’)
SWIPE very well-executed (and disturbing) piece about technology. Got to talk with the creator Martijn Winkler a little at the awards ceremony and was even more impressed after learning it involved no cgi whatsoever.
Girl, Sweetvoiced simple and lovely, based on Sappho poem.
CUDDLE very funny look at cuddle-for-hire. Got to talk with lead actor Hope Shanthi and learned we were both representing the Pacific NW, me Portland her Seattle.
Terreur 404 this episode was about 3 friends at a sleepover semi-accidentally opening the mirror portal to Black Mary. effective.
Home Turf bar none the best thing I saw. beautiful and sad about the displacement of a young girl in a foster home (among other things). This beat us out for the Best Webseries award and I couldn’t be happier to lose to them.
Tuesday Nights they screened episode 4 of this. Two actors in an apartment but it was so powerful and perfectly executed. Really A+ work.
Vows very funny and well-executed. great cast and pacing.
____
Big thanks to NYC Webfest for including us. It was an honor to participate. I left feeling inspired and invigorated and hope to return in the future.
Scott Unrein Interview - Composer for Microaggressions
1. Tell us about your background as a composer. Were you formally trained?
Very much come from a formal training background, though not specifically for music for picture. I’ve been playing and writing music since I was a kid, starting with violin at age 8. “Classically trained” as a composer is what most would say, though I was always straining against what that training was trying to fit me into; probably more of a “misfit toy” situation than some romantic “bad boy” label though. I also worked as a DJ in the Seattle area for a while, though my sets were pretty esoteric; e.g., mashing up Steve Reich with Aphex Twin and swing music.
Until recently, most of my work has been what you’d call concert music/experimental written for groups to play, other than some fairly anonymous library music and trailer work. I’ve come to scoring a bit slower than might seem reasonable as I’ve always been a film nut; my film and music collections have always been vying over which is more extensive. I even made a few (awful) short films in high school; torturing a couple VHS decks into piecing something together. But I’m glad to be working on scoring projects now. It feels like a pretty logical outcome of my interests and abilities.
2. What specific artists or works inspire you the most?
No one really worships a single creative god anymore, right? But it’s true, the influences come from all over. It just becomes a laundry list to talk about them all, but I do remember the specialness of discovery; where someone (a film editor, a visual artist, a composer) was doing something so singular that it just knocks you on your butt. And I often found that it wasn’t music where I found the most profound inspiration for music. It was more often outside of music, while watching a movie or reading a book, attending an art exhibit and I would say, “That’s amazing, and I know how I can take that idea and run with it in music.” It’s exciting because you feel like you have a secret way of looking at music that you get to share first.
3. How did you come to be involved in the webseries Microaggresssions? What was the workflow like on the project?
I met Brian and the rest of the Great Notion Collective at their mini festival a few years ago. I enjoyed the first night so much that I ended up going the whole weekend and saw Brian’s film The Black Sea. Brian and I kept up a correspondence afterward and we started talking about Sister/Brother as a future project together. He let me know that he was working on a web series as a way to keep creating in-between larger projects.
We had occasional email conversations about what the music should be like and I read the script over several times before and during production; making notes as I went. As they moved into production and the beginnings of post, Brian would send me clips and rough cuts of episodes. Once all the episodes were locked, Brian and I sat down together and did a complete spotting session of all the episodes to put together all the cue details. For me, that’s where I really started to understand what was needed, so it was a pretty straightforward process of just getting it done. At that point, I had the lovely privilege of also getting to work with our editor Evonne Moritz and see everything start to come together.
4. What are some of your upcoming projects?
I’ve got a couple albums happening in the near future; down the sky they sing released on redbirdsong workshop is being recorded right now and will hopefully come out this fall. I’m also working with the crazy talented pianist R. Andrew Lee on another album, bird-drawn in the sky of light on Irritable Hedgehog which we are lining up studio time to record in the coming months. We are also working together on a large-scale live performance piece that will hopefully see a premiere this time next year in Portland.
My next few scoring projects are in active production (and pre-prod), but I can’t talk about them just yet. Hopefully soon. And of course, I’m excited to see SISTER/BROTHER head into production this next year so that I can tackle that score!
5. Your top 3 favorite films?
Only three? Yikes, man. Not fair.
Magnolia (1999) by Paul Thomas Anderson
(music by Jon Brion and Aimee Mann)
This one may unequivocally be in my top 3. Despite having two fistfuls of story to keep track of, there’s not a second out of place and you are quickly and deeply imbedded in the ecstasy and agony of every tendril. It revels in a self-aware and hyperreal playground of coincidence and the unexplainable, that beautifully elevates these otherwise seemingly ordinary and sometimes pathetic lives. I love how so many of these actors are playing against type and knocking it out of the park. Jon Brion’s score and the accompanying songs by Aimee Mann gorgeously embrace the fantastical and melodramatic opera that it is.
Talk to Her (2002) by Pedro Almodovar
(music by Alberto Iglesias)
It doesn’t always have to be so, but I love film where the music almost exists as another character in the story and this is definitely the case in Almodovar’s truly elegant meditation on loss and loneliness. Even more than that, the music almost exists as a geography of its own; not specifically of “Spanish-ness” but as a land of internal upheaval. It’s very much like the scores to Annihilation (2018) and Elevator to the Gallows (1958) in that way (see how I’m getting more movies in?). Some of the cues are really long (8-10 minutes) and just embed themselves into your consciousness. Almodovar is so great at completely melding together character, visuals, and music and does so in such a heart-rending way with this film.
Out of Sight (1998) by Steven Soderbergh
(music by David Holmes)
I adore heist movies and crime dramas and I love Elmore Leonard’s characters. It’s a masterpiece of casting; I can’t think of a single role that’s wasted on anyone and some roles are the best of their careers. It made me like actors that I didn’t think were very good before. The score and soundtrack is a complete groove machine and does its job without getting in the way.
note: was fantastic working with Scott. His instincts were all spot on, and he was able to anticipate the needs of the project. Example: I was adamant that there be no score in episode 5, wanting the sole driver to be the dialogue and performances. Scott talked me into just seeing what it looked/felt like if he added a slight bit underneath Evelyn’s dialogue at the end of the episode. His argument was that there was a flow to the score, all building to the end of the series in episode 6 and it would make less sense as a cohesive whole without the bridge in episode 5. He was right. It worked.
Learn more about Scott at his site. - BP
film and death
found this on twitter, attributed to Herzog but can’t confirm. regardless, it needs to be implanted in my brain, tattooed on my eyelids, put in my daily coffee, baked into breads and nut-loafs, muddled into cocktails, breathed in and out on repeat ad nauseum ad infinitum.
it arose last night over a pre pre production meeting w/ Sister/Brother co-producer and cinematographer Scott Ballard (interviewed on previous post) at the Lutz Tavern. topics covered: guerilla feature-making vs non-guerilla short film making, importance of casting, winter v spring, Carnal Knowledge, The Celebration, super 8 v super 16 v hd, the long endless hustle of this ride, skeleton crew vs appropriate crew, camera mount v camera car v neither, a standing still v death on a rock, making the movie for career v making the movie b/c it’s the right movie to make, and so on.
view from Lutz Tavern
Scott Ballard Interview -Cinematographer of MICROAGGRESSIONS
Scott Ballard
1. How did you find your way to cinematography?
It was a long road. I was working as a freelance graphic designer and photographer in Seattle. I ended up designing some posters for NW Film Forum (then called Wiggly World). My payment was to take a one day Super 16mm class on how to work an ARRI SR2. As soon as I heard the celluloid running through the gate, I knew that this was what I wanted to do with my life. It combined photography with design, color and time. On a larger scale, filmmaking combined all my loves (Writing, music, photography). My life changed with the sound of that camera and I've been behind the camera since.
2. What specific artists or works inspire you the most? I find myself being inspired by such a wide variety of art/artists and this directly ties into one of the most exciting aspects of working in film. Each project has its own nature, its own identity - a story that is being told from its unique story to the audience. When I get involved in a project, one of the most thrilling aspects is discovering this nature. When the story's identity is understood, I then find inspirations that match what we are going for with the film. Discovery keeps me fresh and I love that film is constantly challenging me to discover new inspirations.
3. How did you come to be involved in the webseries MICROAGGRESSIONS? What was the workflow like on the project? I've collaborated with director Brian Padian for several years on his short and feature projects. He has a very intellectual approach to his scripts and characters that presents exciting opportunities to the camera department. We had a compressed schedule for prep on Microaggressions. We had concepts on what our approach would be, but it was really landing in the first location on the first day that we dedicated to the framing theme that we stuck with for the rest of the shoot. I appreciate Brian's trust in me and his own process, he knows his story well before he tells it. It allows for a fluidity that gives room to absorb the vibe of a space, the tone of the structures and the mood of the characters and make decisions in the moment.
4. What are some of your upcoming projects?I have a feature length documentary called MR. IMMORTAL JELLYFISH MAN which I produced and shot, currently in post-production. I am currently in production on several short documentaries and 2 feature documentaries that I am producing and directing. As for narrative work, I am in development (and hopefully soon, pre-pro) on my next feature film as writer/director, titled FRIDAY AFTERNOON IN THE UNIVERSE. I am also writing my next feature work, which is a thriller - a genre I haven't tackled yet. I will also be filming Brian's next feature project SISTER/BROTHER very soon!
5. Your top 3 favorite films?
I'm better at top 300 films - my mood and what I want to be inspired by fluctuates so often, it's hard to commit. But some of my favorite films include:
In the Mood for Love
Wings of Desire
So I Married an Axe Murderer
***
Scott Ballard behind the Arri Alexa on Day Two of MICROAGGRESSIONS. Also pictured (from L to R), Asia Brown (Assistant Camera), Kevin Forrest (Gaffer), Dicky Dahl (Production Sound)
note: as Scott suggests above, we’ve worked together for almost a decade. He shot I’m Your Man, The Big Black Dark, The Black Sea, and the Sister/Brother teaser trailer as well as MICROAGGRESSIONS. Building that trust over time and being able to intuit where each of us is coming from on a setup/shot/scene is so vital. Several times on MICROAGGRESSIONS, I was lost in the flow of production or lunch or whatever tiny detail (note: hazards of not having a producer) and I suggested scrapping a scene or shot for the sake of ease, for the sake of the crew, or for the sake of wrapping the day. Scott fought for them, knowing it would be better for the project and he was right in all instances. It doesn’t hurt that he’s a writer/director when he’s not shooting things for other people. If you need a cinematographer I can’t recommend him highly enough. Learn more about him at his site. - BP
Watch MICROAGGRESSIONS on Amazon Prime
or
rediscovering BOB
Last November we were driving from Portland to San Francisco for Thanksgiving 2018. Crossing into the California boundary, after the Welcome sign but before the fruit inspection squad, the opening line of a song dropped into my brain from out of nowhere: Ted have you heard about California?
It ate at me right away, those words, the way things do when you’re scanning decades and zones of your life for tiny hidden objects and you get lost in the pockets between did that happen and did I dream that. And who is Ted? All I knew for sure is the line was from somewhere in the past. I tried to google it but we were high in the pass and had weak coverage and my phone was being annoying. More words started to come back to me, through the fog in my head: Finally cracked along the fault. And all those trendy people there. Pizza never was the same. Holy shit, what was this? Hours later, when we finally got in to San Francisco and the kids were at last asleep I found it. Took several tries because I couldn’t remember the band’s name, only Athens GA, or Atlanta GA 1991 or 1992 and a few of the above lyrics.. And then finally I got one return, on their bandcamp page: Bob. The song, “California”, available on their Peel Sessions EP. Memory gates opened:
I was a DJ at the University of Georgia in Athens a million years back. WUOG 90.5, 1991 and 1992 and played the Peel Sessions EP frequently on my shift (which was 12 AM to 3 AM every other week, I think). I used to have a homemade cassette tape mix I made around that time, which I’m convinced could still be laying around somewhere in my parent’s attic unless it didn’t survive one of my purges, which had songs by other fellow Atlanta/Athens bands at that time, among them The Daisy Group, The Jody Grind, Thornyhold, 5-8, Roosevelt, possibly a Balrog song, provided it was recorded directly off the radio, and others. Long ago. Depending on the dates I lived either in Oglethorpe House dorm or a condo at the edge of town called Eaglewood. In both places I was alienated from pretty much everyone and quite certain I did not belong there but completely unclear on how to find my way out. I can’t think of a zone in my life where I was more miserable than Athens GA early 90’s (and to be sure there are several competitors) but that radio shift was for certain a patch of dry land, where I could catch my breath.
Back in the present, I re-listened to the EP just to hear “California” but when “Pope Is” played - the song that precedes it on side b (here called side Cheese Whiz) - I was ahead of every single lyric. I suddenly knew at the cellular level I had to use one or hopefully both of them in Microaggressions which was just starting post-production. I found Bob on FB (they are alive and well and still playing) and sent them a message. (note: I was sooo nervous to ask and of course wanted to appear like a legit filmmaker and naturally it wasn’t until minutes after I sent the email that I realized my site for The Black Sea was down - due to what I’d later learn was some expired wordpress plugin beyond my agency - and I became consumed by blind panic at what would only be interpreted by them as my pulsing and obvious fraudulence.) The next day I heard back from Rich Hudson: they were down to let me use songs. It was a bit of a mix and match scenario since we were editing all the episodes back to back and had a couple songs already in play from other bands. We ended up using “Pope Is” at close of episode 2, just as Leah gets on elevator and the doors close and “California” at close of episode 5 just as Evelyn opens her eyes and somewhat provocatively looks across the table at Jim, the shared manager of Mbaekwe and Leah. For a period “California” moved to the end of episode 6, which closes the series but it ended up being a better fit for the vibe and flow of episode 5.
I am so thrilled to have these songs in Microaggressions, not only for the magnitude of their sheer force and talent and how they enhance the vibe of the narrative in a kickass manner but also because it draws a tiny gossamer line from the me at 19 (confused, depressed, unsure) to the me at 47 (marginally less so x3), somehow uniting these disparate zones and boundaries of time and memory.
Big thanks to Bob!
to hear “Pope Is” watch episode 2 of Microaggressions on Amazon Prime or here
to hear “California” watch episode 5 of Microaggressions on Amazon Prime or here
and
check out the Peel Sessions EP below or Bob’s whole oeuvre on bandcamp and lend them your support.
lyrics to “California” by Bob
yes/no
Goddamn i needed a yes so bad, for reasons beyond the future of this current project itself (and for reasons informed both by my own personal narrative - spanning years, decades - and the general chop of the waves these past few months.) I’ve been doing this long enough to know that things can sometimes (read: often) break the other way. However, I feel unusually confident about this project and I had a sense this particular festival submission would break my way (note to self: red flag) as it was a festival I’d played at before and I felt the material would be a good fit. The announce date had come and gone which meant each passing day without news I had landed back in the unpleasant zone of checking email every 60-90 seconds and reacting like a pavlov dog to every auto beep and chime. My inner voice cycled like a mechanized building annunciator during a fire drill: Good news is coming, I just know it. I rose yesterday morning before dawn, still dark outside, and I checked my phone and saw, at last, the generic email: ‘project not selected’.
Okay, let’s keep things in perspective: it’s not famine, war, hegemony, brain cancer, fracking. It’s just a no for a project I was lucky enough to make. I get it. Also, I’ve had plenty of rejection. And I am married to a writer who has had her fair share. At least once a week there’s a big rejection under our roof. Typically we do our best to celebrate it with the same veracity and joy we would the opposite result, both as robust reminder that we haven’t quit and as a gentle fuck you to the offending party. Point being, a mere no is not typically a thing to rattle me. But sweet shit, as things lined up, I did I need that yes. I had projected every recent wrong/bad/dark thing onto that thin reed, knowing the Yes would be the corrective. Maybe not a cure but a temporary reprieve. So reading that email was like the announcement of a impending tidal wave and I braced knowing the dark swell of negative sensation that was about to roll upon me later in the day. If you’re unlucky enough to have a No that informs the present and past at once, you know you can feel the ice cracking under you and your prior selves, watching the splintering helplessly as it races across the ground, up the sides of the canyon, unleashing as it goes a black poison that takes the form of several interlocking queries, all barked with the urgency of a trainer telling his felled fighter to stay down: What’s the fucking point of doing this anyway? Are maybe you not meant to be doing this? Wouldn’t you be happier if you threw in the towel and ran in the other direction? Why do you bother?
Sometimes when things get low or tough at our house, we remind ourselves that even though this life does not look exactly the way our 20-something-selves anticipated, our 20-something-selves would be saluting us. Fuck yes, they’ll tell us. You guys are doing it. You’re living the dream. We’ll say back: No, you don’t understand, we have no money. We have no plan. But because they have a blind sort of belief in art being all and that the work-itself-is-the-meaning they don’t waver: Fuck yes, you guys are doing it. You’re living the dream. Ha. They don’t quite get that we are doggie-paddling in red. They don’t understand that my name isn’t even on the mortgage because of all my film school debt which by the way I can’t return to making payments on until I pay back the debt from my first feature, which inhibits my ability to make the second. They don’t realize that though we are making things, we are not a fully self-sufficient enterprise. We are not responsible. We are not sensible. They don’t grasp that making a movie or writing a book in your 40’s doesn’t mean what you think it means in your 20’s.
So if by chance the Brian from 1999, still in his gown from film school graduation, is reading this: know that Yes will take many forms, most of them not exactly at all the one you are chasing. Know that the only thing you can do in the face of No is to sit with the darkness for a day, letting it fill every pore but not letting it drown you. The next morning you should rise before dawn, still dark outside, open the door and go for a run - heart pounding, sun spreading through the trees, music from your prior selves in your ears - and when you return and see that someone else is awake you should walk in the door with a giant smile and tell them not how you feel about rejection and art and your place in this world but share the good news: you just realized a few minutes ago how you are going to shoot your next project.
a few words on Microaggressions
My latest project is a 6 part web-series called Microaggressions. We’re having a screening here in Portland and then releasing the project online in mid-July. Also hoping to play a festival or two. I am thrilled and very proud of all the great work by my collaborators on this project: amazing actors, compelling score, strong images, ace editing. (Additionally, it’s been 4 years since The Black Sea came out so there is a component of quivering joy just to have a project completed).
The origin of the project was due to me being desperate to direct again but being realistic about the funding timeline for my next feature and knowing I should aim at something shorter until the feature money rolled in. I considered making a short film but because I wanted to tell it from multiple viewpoints it became more tenable to split it up and make each viewpoint an episode, even though I didn’t know what it was going to be yet. I had been thinking of locations I could get as this faint idea was gelling and somewhere along the way the concept of a dispute - filtered through the deliberate (read: slow as hell) process and language of city government - felt right. I wrote the script and applied for a project grant from the Regional Arts + Culture Council and was fortunate to receive one, though the amount I was awarded was half of what I requested and needed to make the project. We’ll just have to do more with less I sighed, which is a defining conceit of all sorts of governments (and film projects), even when it defies logic, reason or practicality.
Two of the actors I had worked with before (Todd Tschida, Michael Draper), one I had in mind when I wrote the piece, not that she knew I was writing it for her (Kate Gray) and two were new to me (Pisay Pao, Chike Nwankwo). I know all directors say this but this is a special group of performers, whose collective talents not only enliven what I had in mind but transcend it. I feel extremely fortunate to have these 5 on this show.
I probably will keep saying things about this project in the days to come (b/c there’s also lots to say about the bad-ass crew, the score by Scott Unrein, the images by Scott Ballard and team, the editing by Evonne Moritz, the song selections and how I made them etc) but for now I’ll say:
We’re playing at the 5th Avenue Cinema on 7/13 8 pm. Free popcorn. You should come.