darkness
Been contemplating darkness lately. i have my own internal stories - both good and bad - that I’ve believed for decades that I’m just now starting to wrap my head around, just now starting to feel the breadth and context of. If you take away navigation lights, even if they are wrong, you are in the dark; you are on the ocean, panic rising, far from shore, nausea and vomiting, aching for the form and contour of the known. The further I get from these stories the more my anxiety rises in proportion. What do crests/nadirs actually signify? Anything aside from the egomania of the observer?
On vacation recently, a tremendous place of beauty and I am wracked with panic and not-quite-right feelings. This shit is all in my head. And I know it’s all in my head. But impactful nonetheless.
I need to detach from the ego connection of filmmaking. This is nearly impossible to do. The ego impels you forward, compels you to bring something into being, requires you to do a dance before/during/after to sell or celebrate. How to get to one without the other? This, I am beginning to understand, is not something to be transcended, only managed. Just like the dark I keep carrying, that keeps living alongside me instead of dissolving, despite my repeated efforts and entreaties and mix and match attempts of faith and health and magical thinking. Perhaps recognizing this is alone a form of victory. Perhaps accepting this is the tiniest of lights bobbing on the black chop in the distance, illuminating what must be, what can only be, please, a path to shore.
